Keeper for a day
by jackieisdacaptain
Summary: When Teague falls ill it's left to Jack to take over his duties...how hard can it be! This is an edited version because there were some faults with the original! Sparrabella all the way
1. Twenty four

Chapter One: Twenty four

"Jackie," Teague said sauntering into Jack's room, "you're sixteen now!"

"OH YOU NOTICED!" Jack said sarcastically.

Teague glared at him. "You're growing up fast!" Teague said.

Jack gulped; this wasn't _the talk_ was it? If so Teague was a good three years too late...

"I think you're more responsible now..."

_Even worse, _thought Jack, _chores._

"One day you're going to have to take my place."

_Please, please no lessons in the code_ thought Jack.

"So, I want you to come to the pub tonight to have your first hango-I mean tankard." Teague stuttered.

Relief flooded Jack, along with confusion, "My _first_ tankard?" he asked confused. Teague shot him a warning glance "my first tankard." Jack nodded.

"I'd advise you to start light, don't try and beat my record..." Teague said proudly,

"Oh yes, the PB...twenty three, heard it so many times." Jack rolled his eyes thinking of his own personal best...thirty six.

"Yes...I doubt there's another pirate in the cove who could out-do that!"

"Yep...you keep telling yourself that!" Jack mused; Teague gave him a sharp look.

An hour later Teague and Jack were walking the curving walk ways of shipwreck cove to 'The Drunken Lady,' the most popular Tavern in the cove. They'd met up with Gibbs and Robbie and they talked in the same way Jack talked to his mates although it made _them_ sound like sad middle aged men. Because of this embarrassment, Jack was keeping a few paces behind.

Clara, a salty wench Jack knew intimately well, held the door open for them.

"Hi Jack!" she smiled then looked at his companions, "Oh, hi Edward!" Jack and Teague both froze, neither wanting to think about the awful truth.

"What can I do for you boys tonight?" she asked suggestively, leading them to a table.

"Just drinks tonight, Clara," Teague muttered, blushing furiously and avoiding Jack's gaze. "Four of yer finest spiced rums." Clara guffawed disbelievingly. Jack gave her a look to kill.

"No...Ummm I'll have a deck silver." Jack said remembering the sickly sweetness of the rum Teague had ordered.

"Jackie, you have favourites among rums you've never tasted?" Teague asked.

"Ummm, yeah! Prefer the name!" Jack said thinking on his feet.

"O...k then three spiced one deck silver." Teague was quite impressed by Jacks choice. It was a lot stronger than the usual stuff.

"Righty!" Clara said Teague gave her bum a quick pat as she bustled off and Jack felt thoroughly sick. His face became red with embarrassment.

"Right then, Teague, I've been working me drinking muscles and I reckon I can beat ya this time!"

"It'll be a first..." Teague jeered, "I don't want ye disappointed!"

"That's it!" cried Gibbs, grabbing another tavern wench. Jack hid this face so this one- Amelia- wouldn't recognise him, "Get us ten rounds, for starters!"

"Not for Jack as well!" Teague hissed.

"Oh come on!" Gibbs laughed, patting Jack on the back, "Ye're no fool, Teague! You can't really believe that Jack's never had a drink. I wouldn't be surprised if he put us all to shame!"

"Yeah bu...I just don-,"

"What? Scared of a little friendly competition?" Jack asked mockingly, Clara and Amelia came, carrying trays and trays of tankards. They plonked them down on the table.

"Hope ye're not taking more than ye can handle, ey, Eddie?" Amelia jeered.

Teague laughed and downed two tankards in one, "Ye just watch!" but as if in response Jack threw three tankards down his throat he barely flinched as the rum seared a trail of fire down his throat, it was familiar to him by now anyway.

Teague growled and took another tankard up, throwing it down his throat. Clara and Amelia cheered and then went silent as Teague fell to the floor, clutching his stomach and groaning. Jack downed another tankard and stood, leering over Teague's body, "I win!" he cried, "The apprentice has become the master!" Then just as Jack claimed victory Teague was violently sick

"Oh now that's just shameful..." Jack hung his head, "You, father. Are. Disowned."


	2. Doctors?

"Gastroenteritis." The doctor pronounced turning away from Teague's paling face.

"hang-over?" Asked Jack hopefully,

"Cancer?" Teague whispered, dread in his voice,

"More like a stomach bug." The doctor said causing Teague to sigh in relief and Jack to curse under his breath, "It's not fatal, but you could probably do with some bed rest for a week and you need to cut down on the Alcohol!"

"C-c-c-cut d-d-d-down?" Teague stammered, the concept was new to him, "But I need a new personal best!"

"NO! You need to look after your health."

"B-b-but I can have some now...right?" he practically begged.

"No. That would be bad for your health and...you're weight..." he trailed off.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!" Teague roared, then broke into a coughing fit.

"Yes...you're getting a beer belly!" The doctor observed.

"GUARDS!" Teague shouted as Jack collapsed on the floor laughing.

"FAT OLD MAN!" He pointed at Teague,

"TAKE THIS DOCTOR AWAY AND HANG HIM!" Teague bellowed, He reached for a drink to soothe his throat.

"NO!" The doctor cried as the guards grabbed his arms, "NO VODKA, NO SPIRITS, NO WINE, NO ALE, NO BEER, NO WHISKEY..." the door slammed in his face,

"Good...so I can still have rum. Son!" Teague to Jack, "Wheel my sick bed to the rum cupboard!" he said triumphantly,

"As much as I'd love to push you down three flights of stairs, I'm not sure I could manage you're a bit..." Jack stopped looking for the word "...heavy." he finished.

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" Teague said rising from his pit, Jack stepped backwards, just as the door flung open and a fat, balding, ulcered, stinking, blood-stained, filthy, pile of germs stepped into the room.

"I was told you needed a new doctor, I'm Derek!" He said reaching out a disgusting hand out for Teague to shake, suddenly though from the corner of the room Jack shouted, "NO! You could catch a hundred different diseases from under his fingernails alone!" Then cupping his hands to his mouth he shouted, "PLAGUE! PLAGUE! SAVE US! IT'S THE PLAGUE! GUARDS!" Jack cried in vain, then covered his mouth and noise so he wouldn't breath in the death-bringers stench, Derek looked bemused, he took one glance at Teague and made his decision ,

"Medicinal sherry, three shots an hour!"

"Now that's more like it!" Teague cried happily, "You're hired! My new doctor, bringer of sherry and alcohols, guardian of the anus!"

Derek looked proud. Jack looked sicker than Teague.

"I will see you in ten minutes' time for my first shot of sherry!" Teague pronounced.

Derek bowed and walked out of the room backwards. As soon as he was gone, Jack rushed to the windows, flung them open, stuck his head out and breathed deeply.

"Jackie, ye don't look so good. How about ye go to bed yerself?"

"_I _don't look well! You look like the Dead Conquistador Cortez! Believe me, I've met him!" Jack said proudly, "All that's wrong with me is that I haven't been breathing for several minutes because of your new doctor, who must have every illness known to mankind AND THEN SOME!"

Teague shook his head, "I think he's a charming man; sensible and very clever. Just because he smells a bit..."

"_A bit?" _Jack asked, "I think the illness must have deadened your sense of smell!"

"Alright, Jackie. I need to talk to ye seriously."

Jack gulped.

"This is about the worst time for me to be bedridden for a week. The Pirate Lords are all arriving tomorrow and I can't exactly entertain them in my sick room, can I?"

Jack imagined the disdainful looks on the faces of the greatest pirates on the seven seas. Teague would be a laughing stock.

"So I need someone trustworthy to take over my duties for a week, as Pirate Lord as well as Keeper of the Code."

Jack racked his brain. Gibbs? No. Not Renegade Robbie... Mabeltrude or McFleming? Please not Valerie-

"You, Jackie. You." Said Teague.

"Me what, sorry?" Jack asked, broken away from his reverie.

"Keeper of the Code. Just for the week. Please?" Teague pleaded, "For yer old dad?"

Jack tried to look dubious, "Oh, I don't know... I'd have to miss school, I'd have to get up early... What's in it for me?" he cut to the point.

"Helping yer old dad? Protecting the family name?" asked Teague.

"What's in it for _me?" _Jack repeated.

Teague sighed, too tired and sick to argue, "What do ye want? Money?"

"No..." Jack said, looking around him. He pondered. Whatever he asked for, Teague couldn't say no, "Your new hat."

"No." Teague said, straight away.

"Yes. Or you're going to be shown up in front of all the Pirate Lords tomorrow."

Teague looked torn but, slowly, he took it from his head. He clutched it to his chest possessively, "Why do you want it anyway?"

"The hat," Jack explained, "Commands respect. It says _Captain. _The bandana... well, that's just any old sweaty crew member. And, your hat has a feather."

Teague nodded. He understood all too well. Slowly, not wanting to look, he held out the hat. Jack snatched it and rammed it on his head. He rushed to the mirror, grabbing one of Teague's brown trench coats on the way.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," Jack smiled, twirling around and admiring himself, "My, what a handsome brute. I quite understand what all the wenches rave about now. Why, you're enough to make me turn."

"Ahem." Teague cleared his throat, "Before you start having sex with yourself, I'd like to tell you your duties."

"Nu-uh-uuuuuh!" Jack said, shaking a finger, "I haven't agreed yet." Looking around, he picked up Teague's sword and tried a few moves. He balanced the hilt on his fingertip. "Perfectly balanced..." he muttered.

"Yes," Teague growled, "And _mine."_

"Not any more, my friend." Jack patted Teague comfortingly, "I want this. For good."

"Oh!" cried Teague, furious, "Take my pistol too, why don't you? Have the dog as well, while you're at it. What about the ship? I'm sure you'd like that. You need a ship, don't you, _Captain _Jack Sparrow?" Teague raved madly.

"I'll have the lot." Jack smiled.

Teague gasped, "No, no!"

Jack laughed, "You can keep the ship." He said mercifully, "It's not really up to my standards."

Teague looked as if he would protest but then thought better of it, "The dog?" he begged.

"When you get better. I don't want to look after the mangy mongrel. So, deal?"

"Ugh, deal." Teague spat, hating himself and Jack.

Jack collected his wares, the hat, sword and pistol, and then swept out of the room, stopping only to be handed the Keeper of the Code's keys.

"Get well soon." He smiled sweetly.

As soon as Jack had closed the door behind him, he did a victory dance, waving his new hat and pistol in the air and firing off shots.

"YES!" he cried, "YES! YES! YES!" He looked down at the keys. Only one mattered to him. He was the happiest he had ever felt, "Yes."

Hearing Jack's triumphant cries through the door, Teague felt a sudden dread, "No... No, no, no, no, no! Jack!" he cried, his voice a hoarse whisper, "You are not allowed in the rum cellar!"

"I can't hear you!" Jack shouted, running downstairs and out of the door.


	3. The Rum Cellar

"Diego! Diego! Guess what!" Jack cried, hammering on Diego's door.

"What?" asked Diego grumpily. Jack realised that it was 11 o' clock in the morning- not Diego's hour.

Jack held the keys up. Diego looked at him blankly. Jack thrust the keys, one key in particular, in Diego's face.

"The... Rum... Cellar..." Diego said, reading the label slowly, "The rum cellar! How? What? Did you steal it?"

"No, I'm Keeper of the Code for a week, but ANYWAY, the important stuff- invite every salty wench and teenager in Shipwreck Cove because, tonight we PARTAY!" Jack shrieked,

"You take the rising sun; I'll take the drunken lady!"

"Good evening Ladies," Jack said taking an exaggerated bow at the two giggling wenches, "Have some rum!" he handed them each a bottle of Teague's finest, Diego took over from Jack,

"Let me show you two lovely ladies in." Diego said taking each of their arms in his.

"JACK!" Another girl cried, "I haven't seen you for a while!" she exclaimed, Jack stared in awkward astonishment,

"HEY...you!" He said trying to cover up his mistake,

"You don't remember me do you?" she asked annoyed,

"Yeah! Sure I do!" Jack said flapping his arms around nonchalantly,

"What's my name?" The girl demanded,

"ummm...begins with an f?" He asked.

"Madeline." She growled before slapping Jack across the face and storming off to join the gaggle around Diego, Jack only had a moment to nurse his stinging cheek before more girls arrived,

"Clara! Amelia!" Jack cried hugging the girls as they kissed his cheeks, "Have some rum!" He said handing them a bottle.

"Funny, shoe's on the other foot eh?" Clara jeered, Jack sniggered and stepped aside as they walked in.

"Have a good night, ladies!" Jack called after them. Clara turned, winking, as she joined the crowd of people now enjoying Teague's rum.

Soon, the room was full of bawdy singing, laughing and dancing.

"Right!" Jack cried, "Time for some proper music!"

He reached for one of Teague's guitars (he kept them down in the rum cellar along with his other most prized positions) and started to play a tango. Jack's fingers nimbly picked against the steel strings causing people to turn around and gaze before partnering up as Jack strummed a sharp chord making Diego grab a girl close to him and begin to twist and turn in a flurry of skirts and stern looks. Diego shot Jack a thank you glance as he picked a delicate pattern that Diego used to his advantage, showing off his dancing skills and pulling a girl close to his chest and kissing her.

Jack Laughed at Diego's cockiness and decidedly changed the song just to irritate Diego just that little bit! Diego glowered at Jack, Just as the girls recognised the song and began to sing along in a drunken haze. One girl however not knowing the song stood alone and Diego took her as his prey kissing her passionately, she responded to him perfectly. Jack shrugged, what did it matter...Girls loved a guitarist!

As if to prove his point, he was pulled off his feet and found himself crowd surfing the masses of screaming girls. Diego glowered as the girl tore herself away to help support Jack's weight. "WOOHOOO!" Jack screamed, clutching the guitar to him and playing it hard.

Suddenly, someone's hand slipped. Jack's arms flailed wildly as he fell to the floor, dropping the guitar and falling to the floor with a horrible, splintering crunch. He wondered if he'd broken a bone or the guitar and wasn't sure which would be worst... It was the guitar...WORST! Jack only felt a moment of utter terror before Amelia dragged him to his feet...the broken guitar was forgotten.

She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him towards her, planting a kiss heavily on his lips, she smelt of rum, a vague guilty thought of Arabella crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed it and continued to kiss Amelia, her lips still burned with the aftertaste of the drink. Soon though Jack broke free of Amelia's strong hold and found Diego sitting on the sofa. A girl was tucked under one arm. Occasionally he stopped his devouring the rum to kiss the girl coldly.

Jack came to sit next to him, Amelia followed in his wake sitting under Jacks arm, Diego handed Jack a bottle filled with rum,

"I believe this party is going very well Mr Sparrow."

"I agree Mr Monterole, I ag-," Jacks words were cut off by Amelia's lips, all the while Diego and Jack raised a toast with their rum bottles to their brilliance.

"SPARROW!" A gruff voice shouted through the crowds, they parted to reveal a tall, well muscled Man with a Jet black moustache, Jack broke off his kiss with Amelia.

"Umm, who's this love?" Jack asked, feeling ever so slightly threatened.

"This is Tyrone, Jack...My boyfriend." She stammered, Jack's eyes went wide and his skin paled.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING KISSING MY WOMAN!" He shouted, a wave of stale and salty breath hit Jack in the face.

"You, my friend, need a mint, savvy?" Jack said cheekily, just before the Man threw a punch that launched Jack backwards, he hit the wall hard, Diego shrugged.

"I think it's time for us to leave ladies," Diego said putting his arm around Amelia as well as the other girl, the girls giggled almost unaware of the change in company. He led them away into the throng,

"Bye Jack, Bye Tyrone." Amelia said blowing a kiss at them and rushing after Diego, giggling. Jack was sprawled on the floor being kicked by Tyrone and his other friends, scowled after Diego. Diego Winked and kissed Amelia, keeping his eyes firmly on Jack as if to give his friends a 'what can ya do' glance, he shrugged.

Jack had been distracted by Diego's new and disturbing behaviour but a firm kick to his crotch brought him firmly and painfully back to the current situation.

"OI BOYS!" Tyrone called, following Jacks gaze to Diego, "GET 'IM" Jack gave Diego his most smug glance but couldn't help calling after Tyrone.

"IF YOUR GOING TO BEAT UP EVERY MAN WHO'S LOCKED LIPS...OR MORE, WITH YOUR LADY FRIEND, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE RISING SUN, THERES A LOT MORE UP THERE!" Jack sighed, it didn't pay to be a jealous boyfriend when your woman was a whore. He immediately regretted what he'd said when Tyrone's fist smashed into his face.

Tyrone pushed Diego backwards and smashed him into the wall of rum it smashed around them, after enough bottles had smashed Diego fell on the floor, which prompted Tyrone to begin smashing a guitar in his belly...Jack smiled evilly, then turned away in disgust as Diego spilled the contents of his stomach, a strangely sly and almost intent look came over Tyrone as he forged a brilliant plan.

"Ah no hard feelings mate!" He said smiling down at Diego, he helped him up, "here." He said handing Diego a new bottle, he added a special ingredient with a deft flick of his wrist that Jack wasn't sure if he imagined,

"You'd better have some more, your empty now!" Diego gladly took the spirit and poured it down his throat, Tyrone smiled.

Diego was immediately livelier, embracing Tyrone in a man hug! He pulled him away through the crowd and began to grind with him, Jack, who's vision was bit blurry, hoped he wasn't seeing what he was seeing right now. A hand clamped down on his shoulder.

"I challenge ye to a contest of DRINKS!" Said one of Jack's previous attackers,

"Well...I...Uh." Jack stammered, around him though his guests began chanting,

"DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!" They clapped as they did, Jack put up his hands to silence them,

"Bring it on! Anyone else wanna piece of this!?" Jack taunted, four more of the lads raised their hands, Jack stuck his out in a handshake. The first boy took it,

"Yer on!"

Clara, used to bar tending, brought two crates of Rum over, and handed five bottles to each of them,

"I should hope ye could all stomach that!" She laughed, " Y'all ready boys?" they nodded, " 3! 2! 1!" she counted down "DRINK!" Jack threw down the first bottle with ease, the circle of party gatherers began to chant,

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" The next nine bottles passed in a haze for Jack, gradually one by one the competitors fell to the floor, Jack felt himself being lifted by the crowd,

"JACK! JACK! JACK!" They chanted, Jack's poisoned brain suddenly grasped the truth, he had won!

"WOHAY! IAMTRIUMPHANT! ALLHAILJACKKNEELBEFOREME! WUHAY!" Jack struggled for a moment to swallow some sick that crawled up his throat,

"Wait! Not yet!" Clara said grabbing his arm and pulling him back down, "Ye have another competitor!"

"Wait! Who! Who dares to challenge Steel-Livered Sparrow!" Jack asked, looking about him,

"Me." She said slyly, Jacks eyes widened, he laughed.

"You're a girl! You can't handle the rum!" Jack leered,

"What? Little sparrow scared of some competition from a hawk!" She asked, "Drink!" She said handing him a bottle.

"DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!" Everyone cried, gathering around again, Jack uncorked the bottle and downed in one, The crowd cheered.

"Don't worry Clara! No one will think any worse of you if you step do-own, n-now." Jack said beginning to feel rather sick, suddenly Jack crashed to the floor, everyone gasped, Jack saw the room spin as he passed out and heard the cries of.

"Clara! Clara! Clara!" as consciousness slipped away from him.

Valerie flung the door open, and stormed in, looking about her at the smashed room and the drunken whores, she snarled.

"GET OUT!" She ordered. The teenagers quickly evacuated the room. "ALL OF YOU!" She screamed, she pulled those who were too drunk to stand and threw them out of the door,

"WHERES JACK!" She cried when the room was nearly evacuated, she found him lying in a pool of smashed bottles mixed with his own blood, Valerie tried to arouse him, but it was no use, she looked around her and found Diego slithering out from behind a cabinet, on his front.

"My name it is Maria, a mermaid maiden fair, I have left the waters and the pretty seashells bare, my heart is pierced by cupid, I distain all glittering gold, nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold." He sung slithering towards Jacks, his eyes full of desire, suddenly he noticed Valerie,

"GET AWAY FROM MY JOLLY SAILOR!" He said stroking Jacks chest possessively.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU FOUL SIREN!" he said hissing at Valerie, suddenly he stood up and walked towards Valerie, his shirt was off but he trousers where thankfully still on, he followed Valeries Gaze to his legs and chest,

"I'M NAKED!" he said horrified, "AND MY TAIL! MY BEAUTIFUL TAIL!" he genuinely looked quite distressed,

"It's ok!" Valerie laughed, but Diego could not be consoled, he picked up two glass shards and placed them on his nipples.

"Tere, now I have a pretty shell bra! Now my sailor won't be able to resist me!"

"Oh I think he will!" Valerie giggled.

"But what of my tail! It has split in two!" He slapped his legs, "There's nothing for it I must bind it!" He cried, with one swift movement, Diego whipped off his breeches, Valerie Screamed! Diego, it appeared, was not in the habit of wearing underpants, he wrapped his trousers around his calves and began to sway and continued to sing, Valerie was horrified. He began to sing another verse, discovering his true identity of a mermaid, hadn't helped his voice, gazing at Jack all the while,

"My sailor is as smiling as the pleasant month of May, and oft we have wandered along the great white bay, where many -a pretty blooming girl be happy to behold, reclining on the bosom of her jolly sailor bold." He flopped onto Jacks chest, it was then that Jack awoke,

"Ara-ame-clar-Pretty lady! I l-," at this moment his eyes flickered open, the first thing he saw was Diego's glass bra, before the rest of his nakedness scarred Jacks eyes forever.

"My Jolly sailor bold!" he smiled and fell asleep, Valerie who clapped and applauded as she laughed at Jacks horrified expression said.

" I'll leave you two love birds to it, wouldn't want to intrude, being a siren an all!" She said flitting from the room, Jack rolled out from under Diego's unconscious body...It had certainly been an eventful night!


	4. The morning after

Chapter 4: morning after

Diego woke up feeling cold and shivery, he ached all over from sleeping on the hard wooden floor and he had a spitting headache. After sitting up stretching and rubbing his eyes he promptly vomited all over his legs. Looking down he saw that the vomit had a worrying purple glow about it, another thing he realised was that he was completely naked...well apart from his trousers wrapped around his ankles, and two glass shards piercing the skin of his chest,

"What happened last night!?" he groaned looking around him, expecting to see a beautiful wench, instead he saw through blurry eyes...Jack, lying just meters away.

Diego's face turned white as the humiliation settled in, he gripped and pulled desperately at his trousers trying to undo the very tight knot, he struggled onwards, jumping up and down and constantly wobbling and then the inevitable happened. Whatever Jack had been expecting to wake up to that morning, it hadn't been that; Diego, his trousers around his ankles, stumbling onto him. The boys screamed and leapt apart, Diego finally managed to cover himself. Jack looked away, horribly scarred, what he saw next was even worse, the wreckage of what had once the best rum cellar in shipwreck cove was now coated in broken glass and ever so slightly soggy...The pride of his family...ruined!

"Jack?" Jack turned to Diego, thankfully, now fully clothed,

"Yes." He replied,

"Let's never speak of this."

"Agreed." As if matters couldn't get any worse Valerie called through the door,

"You boys decent!"

"Yes." Jack gritted his teeth, his head burst as he turned to give her the evil eyes as she walked through the door,

"Ya head hurt Jack? So will your hide when Teague finds out! Oi drink up! You're a quarter of an hour late for your second meeting!" The green liquid in the tankard didn't look at all appetising, but Jack was too tired to protest, he drank it all up.

"Good boy!" Valerie patronisingly patted his head, Jack growled, her words finally hit his groggy mind.

"Wait what? Meeting?"

"Of the pirate lords." She spelt out, "You realised you were meant to greet them yesterday whilst you were partying! Right run before your any later!" Jack clambered to his feet, his head spinning, then stumbled out of the room and into the chamber of the brethren.

"I call upon Teague, Keeper of the pirate code!" Seo feng shouted, Jack strode in purposefully, a long coat dangling past his knees and a tricorn had pushed forwards slightly so it hid his face, a large black beast of a dog strode alongside him carrying a bunch of keys.

"Now that yer finally here, business can be- Jack? What are you doing here! WHERES YOUR FATHER!" Seo feng bellowed, Jack tried to remember why he was here afterall.

"Teague is dead!" He quickly made up, "I am Keeper of the code now!"

"We are all doomed!" Sumbhajee chirped.

"All in favour!" Seo feng called, the rest of the pirate Lords agreed unanimously, Jack ignored them and settled down at his place at the table.

"Tragically my father died of umm..." He paused considering, then chose the thing most prevelant in his mind at present, "Alcohol poisoning."

"I don't believe it!" Cried Don Raphael, "Not Teague!"

"You calling me a liar?" Jack said raising one eyebrow angrily.

"No." Rapheal sunk in his seat, thinking that Jack may have inherited some of Teague's anger issues.

"Good. Then lets commence this meeting!" he said feeling ultimately powerful, he looked down at the piece of parchment in front of him, "First item on the agenda," He squinted, "to settle the dispute between Mistress Ching and Seo Feng over the pacific. So...sight your claims."

"I was born next to the ocean! I have sailed it since I was a boy...It is mine!" He demanded acting like a spoilt child, but this gave Jack a brilliant idea.

"Sumbhajee." He mused, "Your pirate lord of the Indian ocean, where were you born."

"India." One of Sumbhajee's speakers said,

"mmm...Because I was born actually _on_ the Indian ocean, therefore really it's my birthright!" he mused, quickly spotting the cannonballs, he shouted, "THE INDIAN OCEAN BELONGS TO JACK!" For a moment the other nine pirate lords were silent and then there was a clamour, suddenly a row broke out.

"Calm down! Calm down! If you had any complaints you should of told me before I banged and that sounds wrong." Jack giggled immaturely, but this hurt his head, when he looked up however, he noticed, with some alarm, that Seo Feng's pistol was trained to his head.

"ah. Well umm..I swear weapons are meant to be left at the door, is that a rule? I think it should be a rule, it's a rule!" he banged the cannonball against the table and then dived underneath the table as a round of shots were fired at him, emerging from the table he held the code in front of him as a shield.

"Now, now! No need to be violent!"

"Sumbhajee believes the right to remain silent is abolished when his birthright has been stolen from him!" one of the speakers said.

"I'm sorry, it's not what I want! But alas, it is my birthright too! I'm sorry! Perhaps you could be an advisor?" Sumbhajee growled, "Now back to the matters at hand..." Jack said ignoring the disturbing sound. "Who shall be pirate lord of the Pacific?" an idea suddenly popped into Jacks head, "VALERIE!" he bellowed, "I believe this should be settled in a shooting contest!"

"I thought you said all weapons were to be left at the door!" someone shouted,

"I did. But did any of you? No!"

"What!" Valerie walked in moodily,

"Congratulations! You will hold the target!" he looked to the bowl of fruit placed on the table, "I think an apple...on your head!" he smiled and placed one dead centre.

Soon the shooting range was set up, a shaky Valerie at one end and the blind pirate lord at the other.

"Please no!" Valerie begged, somewhere deep down inside Jack remembered that Valerie was...a devil!

"SHOOT!" mistress Ching, waved the gun around madly.

"Please Jack! Please!" Valerie begged, hearing her voice mistress ching aimed at Valerie's nose, BANG! A gun went off.

Mistress Ching felt confused as she thought she hadn't pulled the trigger.

"DEAD CENTRE!" Jack said, impressed with his own skill, "The ocean goes to Mistress Ching!" Valerie smiled gratefully at him!

"YOU SHOT THAT!" Seo feng shouted,

"You're right!" a new idea occurring, "in that case!" Jack dropped the cannonball quickly, "I'M PIRATE KING OF THE WORLD!" he bellowed "bow before me!" Pistols shot around him as he fled from the door, "meeting dismissed he called!"


	5. Learning the ropes

"What've I done!" Jack said to no one in particular, slamming the door of his room behind him "PIRATE KING OF THE WORLD! I don't want to be pirate king of the world, that's more responsibility I'm struggling enough as it is!" he said pacing wildly around his room, "right Jackie, you just need to go back in there and say that you made a mistake." He said trying to calm himself down, "But I can't! They'll kill me as soon as look at me!" he said frantically pulling on his bandanna, Valerie burst into the room,

"Think ye left the code! Ye are its keeper ya know!" she said handing it over, "Some keeper you are!" Jack collapsed on the floor,

"I can't do anything right! I'm useless!"

"Mmm, for once I agree!" Valerie walked back out; Jack looked, with some fear, at the code.

6am

Valerie Yawned as she walked out of her bedroom ready for an early morning swim in the ocean but as she walked past Jacks door...a light was ...on? What was he doing! Valerie was immediately suspicious, she burst into his room

"Can't you knock!" Jack groaned, "I need a lock!"

"What are you doing?" she asked

"I'm reading the code."

"Have you been doing that all night?" she asked incredulously,

"No! What do you think!" He said his eyes wide with sleep deprivation.

"You do realise there's a three page summary at the back?"

"OH YOU'RE KIDDING ME!" Jack cried throwing his hands up in exasperation, Valerie broke down into fits of laughter.

"WHY DONT YOU JUST GO HANG YOURSELF!" He bellowed. Immediately Guards came bursting through the door and grabbed Valerie by the arms, Jack felt powerful...and very evil.

"He was joking!" Valerie said as she was dragged through the door, Jack just laughed and fell asleep forgetting all about it!

Jack was early for the next Pirate lord meeting, he settled into his chair. He almost fell asleep again but just before he could he heard the familiar click of a gun setting against his forehead,

"Hello Seo Feng." He said tediously, "it's not really honourable to kill a man whilst he's sleeping? Now before we begin, I'd just like to say I'm sorry about how I reacted yesterday and I'm going to abdicate from my current postiton and all the titles will revert to you lot." The pirate lords settled in their seats, slightly placated, "Oh and also I found an interesting page in the back of this book." Jack said patting the code, "Tells me the names of the pirate Lords and their Oceans and according to this book, Mistress Ching, the pacific ocean is yours and Seo Feng the south china sea is yours!" Jack said confidently, "Sumbhajee, I'd just like to confirm that the Indian ocean is yours and your descendants!" He said apologetically, "Now are there any other matters we need to discuss?"

"No, I don't think so!" Don Raphael said, "You've got t'see the common pirates now," he said smiling evilly at Jack, he gave a resigned sigh that turned into a snore,

"Bring in the peasants!"

"Let me get this straight." Jack said leaning forwards, "you want me to kill a man after you killed him, his whole crew, burnt his ship and stole his cargo, because cut your little finger? I'm not bloody Davey Jones mate!" Jack laughed sitting backwards, for a moment the man was too shocked to say anything.

"Sleep with the fishes..." He murmured ominously, Jack was a tiny bit frightened but more of the man's mental health than for his own safety.

"Guards. Please take this man away." He said waving his hand in the air, "I will see no one else today." Jack had already sat through the complaints of twenty smelly pirates, after the others had retired to their rooms, but before the guards could close the doors, a woman and four small children Jack knew well stampeaded into the room, tearing out her hair she threw herself at Jacks feet.

"PLEASE SPARE MY DAUGHTER!" Mcflemming wailed as the east children cried in unison.

"What?" Jack asked in typical boyish ignorance.

"This morning you ordered Valerie's execution, they're going to lead her to the noose! Jack please!" Jack remembered with sudden horror the events of that morning.

"I was only joking!" He cried horrified, he ran from the room towards the cells, when he reached them a tall, well muscled man with a shiny bald head stood guard.

"Where is she!?" Jack demanded, leaning into the cells, "CALL OFF THE EXECUTION! Am I too late!?" he grabbed the guard by the neck.

"No. She escaped!" Jack sank to the ground in relief,

"Wait! How! These prisons are foolproof!" The guard shrugged bemused,

"Valerie, it would seem, is no fool." He replied quickly, Jacks breathing was beginning to return to normal.

"I need a drink!"


	6. Abigail

Chapter 6: Abigail

Jack sat hunched over the bar drinking drink after drink, not caring anymore what anyone thought, just then he was slapped on the back.

"JACK!" Diego cried happily,

"Leave me alone!" Jack said as now falling into the pit of despair,

"What's wrong with you stroppy?" Diego Teased.

"Let me think! The pirate lords all want my blood, some smelly guy with no teeth told me to sleep with the fishes, I almost got Valerie killed-,"

"Im sure that's a good thing?" Diego interrupted, Jack ignored him,

"Im stressed, depressed and tired!" Jack shouted.

"Ooooo stroppy!" Deigo mocked just before Jack grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards him,

"Now listen here, I have had two hours sleep in three days, the only thing I've drunk today is alcohol and I can't remember the last time I had something to eat, I will hit you. Hard." Jack warned gritting his teeth. Diego stepped slightly away from Jack and into Clara and Amelia.

"Hello boys." Clara drawled , "want some company this evening?"

"No." Jack muttered, turning away. For a moment Clara, Amelia and Diego were all frozen in shock. Then:

"All the more for me!" Diego cried, leading the girls away with one last concerned look at Jack.

"Keep those shots coming!" Jack barked at the bartender- or was it a girl? Jacks blurry eyes didn't care: the person handed him a drink he drank it and,

"Arabella!" he grunted as the girl led him upstairs,

"No." She whispered, lips caressing his ear, "Abigail." she took Jack into a small room and Jack, who was by now hopelessly drunk, didn't resist or show any control.

Jack woke up the next day in unfamiliar surroundings, feeling cold all over, then he realised why he was cold, he was naked and tied to the bed with a knot made by his shirt "DAMN THOSE SALTY WENCHES!" Jack screamed. All his limbs were tied. The situation seemed hopeless. Then Jack had a brainwave: his teeth! Desperately glad that the Rising Sun had no cleaners to burst in on this curious sight, he started tugging at the knots around his wrist.

Finally, when Jack's gums were bleeding and he felt pretty sure he'd lost a tooth, one wrist came free. He slipped the other out and started work on his feet.

"Now what's that slut done with the rest of my clothes..." Jack muttered, pulling his bonds over his head. Thankfully, she- what was her name again?- had left Jack's trousers but she'd taken everything else: his underwear, his coat, his brand new sword and pistol and... His hat!

Jack felt like crying.

"I... I... I... I just feel so used. She took advantage of me, when I was too drunk to say no... I feel dirtied, sullied... used." he repeated, his voice quivering. He suddenly empathised with many of the notches on his belt, for a moment he reflected deeply. Then he returned to his narcissistic, materialistic self, "MY HAT!"

But worse than that, if there could be a worse than that, it suddenly hit Jack that...the code was gone.


	7. Honey I'm Home

Chapter 7: Honey...I'm home!

Jack began the long walk home feeling more self conscious than confidant, his usual gift of the gab eluded him as he thought of what Teague was going to say to him...or more do to him when he found out, grounded till he was 40? No that was too kind, perhaps he'd be skinned, or shot, or maybe it'd be so bad that Jack himself couldn't even think about it. He gulped as he unlocked the front door.

The whole family was gathered in the hallway, hugging and kissing. Jack stepped straight back out of the door. Who were these aliens? Grandmamma grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him into an embrace.

"Valerie's back! She's alive!" she cried. Jack couldn't help feeling slightly insulted; it seemed that no-one had noticed that he'd been missing for a whole night! Valerie kicked the East children off her legs and walked over to Jack. If looks could kill, Jack would be ten foot under. Whoops..." Jack murmured. He tried to enter into the happy huggy feeling of the family, "VALERIE!" he cried, making to embrace her.

SLAP!

Jack reeled backwards.

"HOW DARE YE TRY TO KILL ME!" she shrieked, the whole family went quiet and seemed to gather around Jack who was still on the floor, "YE LITTLE BASTARD!" she screamed,

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" The east children chanted.

"Val, I'm sorry." Jack said trying to sound sincere, which wasn't too hard considering the new emotional mood he was in, "By the way how'd you escape?" He asked turning the attention away from himself. Valerie blushed and looked to her mother.

"I'll tell you on the way to the meeting! You're an hour late!" She said grabbing his hand and running off.

When they were finally out of earshot of the family Jack turned to Valerie,

"There's no meeting today." He said

"Oh yes there is! You're sorting out more problems." Jacks shoulders slumped,

"How did you escape?" He demanded,

"Reginald." She said mysteriously,

"Who? Wait the guard?"

Valerie nodded smiling

"You shagged him, didn't you?" Jack would normally have called her some foul names but, after what had happened last night, he felt much more understanding and, after all, Valerie was his cousin; what was to be expected, they did have some similarities. Valerie's lack of response was confirmation enough.

"GUARDS!" Jack cried. Two ran over. Arrest Reginald!" he told them, then looked at their faces. One of them, who unusually had no broken nose, was winking at Valerie. He turned to Jack, his mouth making an O shape as his colleague, slightly bemused, grabbed him.

"Jack..." Valerie said, "Be reasonable-"

He wouldn't kill him, Jack decided. That was, perhaps, a little harsh. No... he would do something even worse!

"Eunuchify him!" Jack ordered.

The guards' faces were blank.

"Turn him into a eunuch. You know... chop off his... Eunuchify him!"

No!" Reginald gasped, "Please, no! I've a wife, we're trying for a child- she seduced me!" he gabbled, pulling his handcuffed hands down to protect his manhood.

"You should have thought of your wife before you shagged my cousin!" Jack insisted. He turned to the other guard, "Do it."

The guard cringed as he dragged his friend away. Jack empathised with him as he thought of the job he had to perform; he didn't think he'd ever be able to get over having seen Diego naked!

Valerie's face showed no emotion. "It is a shame; he was the only guard without a broken nose and he was extraordinarily good. He had this thing he'd do where he'd-"

"SHUT UP!" Jack screamed, horrified, "You mean to say you don't mind at all."

Valerie shrugged as she walked away, "He has served his purpose." She walked off as Jack cringed and walked into the Brethren Chamber.


	8. A Shoulder to Cry On

"Next to see you sir is-,"

"NO!" Jack shouted as the guard entered the room for the 10th time. Jack had been here, listening to the peasants moan about their problems, all morning and he couldn't take it any longer, "I will not see anyone else!"

"Sir, there's someone here from Tortuga, says it's urgent." the guard sad, looking nervously behind him.

"I'm sure it's just a bar brawl!" Jack said dismissively, "Send them home! I need to SLEEP!"

"I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!" an auburn-haired girl cried, shoving past the guard and bursting into the chamber, "I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOUR HOURS! AND THEN YOU TALK OF SENDING ME AWAY! HOW DARE YE- Jack?" Arabella's voice faltered. Jack leapt to his feet and ran to her, "ABI- bi- bi- bi- BELLS!" she staggered backwards as Jack wrapped her in a hug, hoping she wouldn't notice his little slip-up, and shooed the guard away with his hand.

"Hello to you too!" she exclaimed, breathing in Jack's familiar smell of...cheap perfume? She pushed him away, furious, "Why do ye smell of cheap perfume?" she demanded, although she already knew the answer.

Jack desperately wracked his brains for an excuse. There was none. The only option left was to turn it on her,

"Please Bells, I can't cope with this! Everyone's been shouting and demanding answers from me and I can't take it anymore! Please don't leave me or... I'll die!" Jack collapsed to the floor and hugged Arabella's ankles, sobbing. Arabella was taken aback! Despite herself, she felt worried for him, "Jack?"

"My Dad's ill! I have to be Keeper of the Code! I thought it would be easy and fun but I'm so, so stressed and exhausted..." he gabbled pitifully, "I've only had two hours of sleep this week and the only thing I've eaten or drunk is alcohol and I swear my hair is falling out! Bells, I'm going to be a bald middle aged teenager. Help me!"Arabella tried to shush him like a baby, patting him on the back."I'm this close, Bells!" Jack whispered, feeling faint and sick, "I'm this close. Just one more thing and I'll crack!"

"Ah." Bells said nervously, "I forgot... I came here to tell ye that..."

"What?" Jack asked nervously,

"Tortuga's on fire!"Jack's reaction was not what Arabella had expected. He collapsed into fits of hysterical laugher, tears rolling down his cheeks, his tongue lolling out. Arabella was scared."Really, Jack. It's actually on fire! The navy have attacked!"

"I believe you!" Jack choked between giggles. Suddenly, his face froze, mid-giggle, and drained of all colour, "Tortuga's on fire. Tortuga's on fire..." he repeated quietly as her news sunk in, "The Navy are attacking. No, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" he screamed. He clutched his knees and rocked backwards and forwards, unblinking, "This can't be happening. This hasn't happened for four hundred years. "WHY NOW?" he screamed, clutching Arabella, "WHY ME?"

"Jack, Please! If ever there was time that ye needed to be yerself its now. Please Jack, save Tortuga!"

"And that we will!" Cried a shrill voice from the corner of the room, making Arabella and Jack jump, Mistress Ching must've snuck into the room, "I will assemble a fleet and take them to Tortuga tomorrow at first light." The elderly woman said, she looked through sightless eyes at Arabella, "What is your name girl?"

"Arabella smith." Arabella replied sheepishly,

"ahh," Ching breathed, "You are destined for greatness Arabella." She replied mysteriously before turning from the room. Jack was leaning against Teague's chair now,

"Well now I can breathe easy!" Arabella said turning to Jack who threw his head back in exasperation and closed his eyes,

"Great! Glad someone can." The blood drained from Jacks face, "Mistress ching's blind! She's going to die!"


	9. Cruelty

"Next to see you sir is-,"

"NO!" Jack shouted as the guard entered the room for the 10th time. Jack had been here, listening to the peasants moan about their problems, all morning and he couldn't take it any longer, "I will not see anyone else!"

"Sir, there's someone here from Tortuga, says it's urgent." the guard sad, looking nervously behind him.

"I'm sure it's just a bar brawl!" Jack said dismissively, "Send them home! I need to SLEEP!"

"I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!" an auburn-haired girl cried, shoving past the guard and bursting into the chamber, "I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR FOUR HOURS! AND THEN YOU TALK OF SENDING ME AWAY! HOW DARE YE- Jack?" Arabella's voice faltered. Jack leapt to his feet and ran to her, "ABI- bi- bi- bi- BELLS!" she staggered backwards as Jack wrapped her in a hug, hoping she wouldn't notice his little slip-up, and shooed the guard away with his hand.

"Hello to you too!" she exclaimed, breathing in Jack's familiar smell of...cheap perfume? She pushed him away, furious, "Why do ye smell of cheap perfume?" she demanded, although she already knew the answer.

Jack desperately wracked his brains for an excuse. There was none. The only option left was to turn it on her,

"Please Bells, I can't cope with this! Everyone's been shouting and demanding answers from me and I can't take it anymore! Please don't leave me or... I'll die!" Jack collapsed to the floor and hugged Arabella's ankles, sobbing. Arabella was taken aback! Despite herself, she felt worried for him, "Jack?"

"My Dad's ill! I have to be Keeper of the Code! I thought it would be easy and fun but I'm so, so stressed and exhausted..." he gabbled pitifully, "I've only had two hours of sleep this week and the only thing I've eaten or drunk is alcohol and I swear my hair is falling out! Bells, I'm going to be a bald middle aged teenager. Help me!"Arabella tried to shush him like a baby, patting him on the back."I'm this close, Bells!" Jack whispered, feeling faint and sick, "I'm this close. Just one more thing and I'll crack!"

"Ah." Bells said nervously, "I forgot... I came here to tell ye that..."

"What?" Jack asked nervously,

"Tortuga's on fire!"Jack's reaction was not what Arabella had expected. He collapsed into fits of hysterical laugher, tears rolling down his cheeks, his tongue lolling out. Arabella was scared."Really, Jack. It's actually on fire! The navy have attacked!"

"I believe you!" Jack choked between giggles. Suddenly, his face froze, mid-giggle, and drained of all colour, "Tortuga's on fire. Tortuga's on fire..." he repeated quietly as her news sunk in, "The Navy are attacking. No, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" he screamed. He clutched his knees and rocked backwards and forwards, unblinking, "This can't be happening. This hasn't happened for four hundred years. "WHY NOW?" he screamed, clutching Arabella, "WHY ME?"

"Jack, Please! If ever there was time that ye needed to be yerself its now. Please Jack, save Tortuga!"

"And that we will!" Cried a shrill voice from the corner of the room, making Arabella and Jack jump, Mistress Ching must've snuck into the room, "I will assemble a fleet and take them to Tortuga tomorrow at first light." The elderly woman said, she looked through sightless eyes at Arabella, "What is your name girl?"

"Arabella smith." Arabella replied sheepishly,

"ahh," Ching breathed, "You are destined for greatness Arabella." She replied mysteriously before turning from the room. Jack was leaning against Teague's chair now,

"Well now I can breathe easy!" Arabella said turning to Jack who threw his head back in exasperation and closed his eyes,

"Great! Glad someone can." The blood drained from Jacks face, "Mistress ching's blind! She's going to die!"

Chapter 9: Cruelty.

Valerie strolled through the door, home from school, flicking her hair and rubbing her Head Girl badge. She carried a large pile of work topped with a detention slip all with Jack's name on, she smiled evilly,

"Jack." She called.

Jack who was sat on the sofa lips locked on Arabella's ignored her. It was Arabella who broke away,

"VALERIE!" She cried breaking Jacks hold on her to hug her friend,

"Don't touch me." She snapped, holding the work in front of her as a shield.

"But..."

"Go wash all the Jack germs off, get some better taste and some self-respect, then we can hug," Valerie smiled graciously. She turned to Jack. "Someone forgot to tell school that they'd be taking the week off, and school weren't particularly happy..."

Here's all the work you've missed. Oh, and detentions for a week too!" smiling sweetly, she flounced from the room.

"WHY DIDNT YOU TELL THEM!" Jack moaned. "I have to be off for work experience or something, why didn't you tell them!?" Valerie frowned as if thinking.

"Because this is more entertaining...oh and I might have sort of implied that you were drinking with Diego down the pub, Have fun!" Jack growled. He looked at the piles of homework, Navigation, Astronomy, Geology, History and worst of all Law, he almost laughed; this whole week had passed in one painful law lesson.

"You want some help?" asked Arabella,

"I love you."

Jack made an excuse to Arabella and left her doing all his homework then hurried down to the Rising Sun.

Clara greeted him. Jack prepared with all his steel for her usual seductive techniques.

SLAP! Jack reeled backwards, shocked.

"OW!" he cried, rubbing his cheek. "What was that for?" Fear gripped him; he couldn't think what he'd done. Was Clara pregnant? Did he have an outstanding balance with the Rising Sun?

"I thought you wanted to be _alone," _Clara growled. "Or was that just an excuse? Are me and Amelia not good enough for you? Have we got boring?" she demanded. Her voice broke and her eyes welled up. "I just can't believe you slept with some other whore!" SLAP!

"I'm sorry, Clara!" Jack said, shielding his face with his hands. "It was an accident! I was drunk!" He was confused; why was he apologising to a prostitute for sleeping with another prostitute?

He shuddered at the thought of how Arabella would behave if she ever found out about his whoring!

"So can I help you tonight?" Clara asked, back to her usual, sluttish self.

"Actually, I'm looking for Abigail..."

SLAP!  
"OW!" Jack said rather offended. "What was that for?"

"Is she the whore; the other woman?"

"Ummm... If you want to look at it that way, yes?"

"Jack, there's no Abigail that works here?" Clara said, confused,

"Corse there is!" Jack refused to believe the truth. "She took my bag! Where is she?!"

"No one called Abigail works here."

"You're just protecting her!"

"I'm not!"

"What room did you... you know."

"For goodness' sake Clara, you're a prostitute for crying out loud! Room Two, I think!"

Clara gasped and reeled back as if she'd been physically shot, "That's the room that we were together for the first time in!"

Jack decided to pretend she hadn't said that, "So who had Room Two booked last night?"

"I'll have a look..." Clara whisked away and returned with a rota. "Room One, Amelia. Room Two, Sao- SAO FENG!"

"Wha-"

"You slept with Sao Feng?"

"NO!" Jack cried, "NO!" Suddenly, an enormous grin lit up Clara's face. She dragged Jack into a suffocating hug, "YAY! You can be my gay best friend!"

"No!" Jack screamed, "No!"

"It's ok!" Clara insisted, "I totally accept you for who you are. And I think if you want to sleep with Seo Feng it's totally cool!"

"I CANT BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH SEO FENG! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I HATE YOU!" screamed...Diego, Jack turned around. Arabella and Diego were standing right behind him.

"WHAT!" Arabella meanwhile was laughing hard. "ha ha, Jack? Gay? Yeah right!" she laughed.

Jack nodded at Clara,

"I told you! The person I slept with was a blonde gi-," Jack stopped, Arabella! "...Was not anyone! I am a virgin!" Clara gave Jack a confused look and Arabella just raised an eyebrow.

"WHY DO YOU KEEP LYING TO ME?" Diego screamed. "I know you're not a virgin! You're lying about Sao Feng to me, too, aren't you? I can't believe you slept with another man!" The whole pub turned to stare at Jack just as Brannigan walked in, Jacks face fell as his cheeks turned red.

"This is not what it looks-,"

"I'll leave you two to sort out your little...lovers tiff..." Brannigan said, walking quickly out of the pub. Jack put his head in his hands.

"Thanks, Diego. Now my whole family's gonna think I'm gay..." Jack saw that Clara was occupying Arabella and hissed in an aside to Diego: "What the hell do you think you're doing bringing Arabella here?"

Diego looked innocent, "I thought she might like to meet your friends..."

"My friends? Yeah, I'm sure she'd be thrilled to find out about and meet all the whores I've been shagging this last month while she's been away!"

"Oh! Well they look like they're getting along!" Diego said craning his neck to see Arabella and Clara happily chatting,

"Yeah, until Arabella finds out that Clara's my favourite whore and Clara finds out that Arabella's my girlfriend!"

Meanwhile, Arabella was feeling rather confused. This girl who she'd never met who was wearing clown makeup had drawn her into a hug which had felt slightly uncomfortable due to the quantity of her breasts on show and was now talking absolutely no sense.

"So you're the new girl? I'd heard they were sending someone knew from...Tortuga? Yeah, the last girl died of- never mind about that!" Clara said chirpily, avoiding the topic of Gloria's tragic death from STDs.

"They said that you were new to the business and kind of innocent, but I didn't expect this! NO offence but you like kinda... prissy. Let's go get you kitted out in some nice clothes, ok?"

"Ok..." Arabella said. Clara led her away...

Jack wasn't sure if he was more disturbed, aroused or just plain hysterical when Arabella returned, bedecked in the full gear of a prostitute. She wore a ripped scarlet dress that was dangerously close to revealing, literally, everything and had had powders hastily applied all over her face and bosoms, Diego wolf whistled, Jacks jaw just dropped.

"Jack, honey, what am I wearing?" Arabella asked warningly.

"That my dear is what we, around shipwreck cove, call the slutty chic!" Diego explained casually, hardly every taking his eyes away from Arabellas breasts, Jack slapped his elbow just as a rather hairy old sailor grabbed Arabella's arm.

"How much for a quick one? I've been at sea five months and I'm DESPERATE!" Jack lunged in between the two, keeping the drunk away from Arabella.

"Back off she's mine!" Jack said getting down into a very cat like position and hissing at the other man.

"I'm sorry!" He cried throwing his hands up in mock defence. "It's not my fault that your girlfriend looks like a whore!" Jack eyes narrowed and he walked over to Clara accusingly.

"Why have you dressed my girlfriend up as a whore?" he demanded.

"Girlfriend?" asked Clara, she looked over to Arabella as Jack walked over to her and grasped her hand, "Oh so single sparrow isn't so single anymore? Didn't know he'd settled down and built a nest!" She said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, did I not mention?" he asked, his voice high-pitched and squeaky.

"No and I bet you didn't tell her about me! Did you?" Clara said angrily

"What about you?" Jack asked, nodding to Arabella with a pleading look in his eyes. "That you're my... friend?"

"Bit more than your friend, Jack?" Clara said evilly,

"Ja-ack?" Arabella asked warningly, he avoided all eye contact.

"yes...sweetie?" Jack asked trying to control Arabella in this difficult circumstance.

"Aaaaah... Yes, that," Jack paused. "You see, umm, it might sound a bit odd... but... Clara is my cleaner." Jack shot Clara a look which said if you value your life, agree.

"Oh yes," She said smiling sweetly, "I cleaned up after his wild party the other night, I cleaned all the rum bottles off the floor."

"Yes!" Jack jumped in, "You used to do that in Tortuga Bells! Maybe you could bond over that?"

"Ahuh." Arabella said boredly, "Looks like we have something in common, except that I like to clean up with a mop rather than my mouth." She said meanly.

"What did you just say to me?" Clara spat,

"Oh god." Jack groaned,

"No one can say that to ME! How DARE YOU!" She shouted,

"What you going to do?" Arabella taunted.

"Oh god." Jack groaned...again.

"This," Clara said grabbing Arabella's hair, she threw her against a wall, thus clearing Jacks route, he sidled away, leaving the girls tearing at each other's hair, clothes and faces but just as he turned to leave something caught his eye, his hat! On the head of none other than Seo Feng...he stood in the corner of the bar talking to a tall, thin, willowy whore.

"HER!" Jack shouted pointing at her, he turned to his friends,"She's the one I shagged!" But the girls...and Diego, where too busy fighting to notice, Jack sighed he would have to go about this alone. He snuck closer, hiding behind tables and stools, trying to listen to their conversation.

"I've bought it all." She said handing over Jacks bag which contained his pistol, his coat and the leather bound codex, Seo feng greedily grabbed the code.

"Well done, but the code is all I'm interested in, none of this tacky rubbish!" He said throwing the hat just inches from Jack, he tried to reach it with his arm but he was, once again, too short, so he tried his legs instead,

"What are you doing?" Diego asked grabbing Jack's shoulder, he whirled around, "Are you stalking Seo Feng; Your obsessed!"

"No!" Jack tried to cover himself, "The blonde one! She's the one! And she's got the code!" Jack's eyes narrowed.

"I bet you can't get over there without him noticing you?" Diego challenged, he knew Jack wouldn't be able to resist, and it'd be funny...very funny.

"Oh you wanna bet! So I'm down 5 shillings, if I do you give me that?"

"Deal!" Diego said shaking Jacks hand. Jack jogged back over to the main bar and Jumped up onto it, he studied the rafters for a minute before jumping up and clinging onto them, he pulled himself up and got his balanced, all while Diego looked over in awe, Jack smirked and then decided a little bit of showing off wasn't going to hurt anyone, so Jack launched himself forwards onto his hands, as soon as they touched the splintered wood Jack whipped his legs over forcing his body upright and his legs to land perfectly in an upright position, a perfect fly-spring.

Diego's mouth hung open, the only noise made by Jack was a slight tapping of his boot against the wood.

He was now directly above Seo feng and Abigail, he jumped down onto his stomach, reached out his fingers and...

"YOU WHORE!" Clara screamed,

"Clara! What are you doing!?" Jack said through gritted teeth, Clara ignored Jack, continuing to screech.

"YOU STUPID SLUT!" She screeched, "HE'S MINE!" Arabella looked venomously into Jacks eyes, Jack vigorously shook his head but Arabella was too annoyed to get through to and in a second she had made up her mind. She ran at Clara and launched onto her back pulling her hair and screaming,

"JACK IS MY BOYFRIEND! GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

The three girls began to fight. Abigail was completely bewildered; Arabella furious and hurt and Clara extremely self-righteous; that of course she could reasonably expect to be the only whore Jack paid to sleep with. All of them were hitting each other. Jack rolled his eyes but then realised another pair of eyes were focused on him, Seo feng, Jack, who realised that hanging upside-down from the rafters whilst fighting probably wasn't the best idea, Jumped down from his hiding place.

"Engarde..." Jack sighed.

Seo feng lunged towards him pushing his sword forward and aiming at Jack's chest, Jack side-stepped out of the way but still pushed his sword away from him to block Feng's blows, the fight continued in this way for at least five minutes before Jack began to feel...tired? He felt hot, like he couldn't breathe, he stomach was flipping, or was it churning and suddenly he ached all over.

"You fight well." Seo Feng smiled, "For a little boy."

"You're not so bad yourself grandpa!" Jack retaliated smashing his sword hard against Seo Feng's as his vision began to blur.

"I see your stamina is failing..."Seo Feng smirked, doing a series of complicated sidesteps and nearly slicing off Jack's arm,

"You just worry about yourself old man!" Jack said focusing on avoiding Seo Feng's deadly swoops Sao Feng still held the bag containing the Code. Jack knew that if he could only reach that he could run for it, honourable or not, and escape from Sao Feng, all he needed was a distraction; why did none of the whores go for the creepy, wrinkly old man but just as Jack's mind wandered, Seo Feng took the opportunity and pushed Jack back against the table his knife at Jack's throat.

"Ok mate...Calm down! Honestly you really don't want to do that!"

"Why not?" hissed Seo Feng. "It's not like your daddy can come and save you now, the code is mine! And not one filthy little whelp can stand in my way! I will be Dictator of the Pirate World!" but just at that moment the door of the rising sun was flung open and a heavy presence filled the room,

"Panic over!" A voice Jack thought he'd never be so glad to hear said, "The Teague is in the house...SEO FENG WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON!?" Teague Demanded.

"Hi Daddy!" Jack said with all the innocence of a five year old.

"aaahhh." Seo feng said, withdrawing his knife awkwardly. "We are practicing sword fighting! Im teaching young Jack a few tricks, ready for when he's keeper of the code, in case anyone tries to steal it, you know!? Ha ha ha ha ha." He laughed slightly hysterically; he backed out of the bar quickly,

"Seo Feng." Teague's voice was cold, "You are still carrying the code."

"Ha ha! So I am!" Seo Feng Laughed awkwardly. He held out the bag. Teague took hold of one side and pulled but Feng clutched on involuntarily,

"Ha ha ha." He finally let go and ran from the bar.

Teague slung the Sac victoriously over his shoulder,

"The keeper is back." Teague said in such an embarrassing old person way that it made Jack want to deny any relation to him, "God Jack!" Teague said staring at his undernourished, tired and pale looking son, "You look awful!"

"Oh thanks!" Jack said sarcastically, before walking out,

"Where are you going?"

"Home. You're an embarrassment."


	10. Epilogue

Epilogue:

Teague walked into his room ready to collapse onto his bed, exhausted after his first day back at work. To make matters even worse, Jack had run off again, no doubt. Teague had been worried all day, Jack would normally be up by eight every day but today just like before he hadn't been seen, his only trace a few broken window panes.

"Curse Jack and Damn him!" Teague shouted walking out of his room to the kitchen to find some food but just as he walked past Jacks door he stopped, was that a cough? He threw open the door to find Jack coughing and clutching his stomach, his nose was a bright red colour.

"CAN YOU NOT KNOCK?" He croaked, obviously losing his voice,

"Where have you been all day!?" Teague asked Anger masked by relief.

"In here. Coughing up my lungs. Filling every possibly tissue with so much snot I'm surprised there is any left in there and feeling like someone is twisting my guts so much that I can barely breathe. Thanks a bunch!" he exaggerated.

"What have I done?" Teague demanded, offended,

"Only given me your disease! I'm probably going to die!"

"Oh..."Teague said sheepishly, suddenly feeling bad about damning him, "sorry about that. Hey, Jack, we need a little chat." Teague said awkwardly sitting on a chair covered in tissue,

"No no no no no no no no no!" Jack said remembering with terror the time a week ago when Teague had asked to have a little chat and how that had ended.

"Relax!" Teague sighed, "Only I've heard some interesting things about you and Diego, from Brannigan. I want you to know that I'll love and accept you whatever lifestyle choices you make." Teague insisted, not making eye contact.

"What?" Jack spat,

"I heard that you had a domestic with diego." Teague continued, dying of embarrassment,

"So...the sex talk a bit different to what I thought it was going to be but still," Teague continued, taking a deep breath,

"Just because you can't get pregnant, it doesn't mean you don't need to use protection! Oh! And be careful not to rupture your buttocks." Teague sighed...It was over, Jack stared at him in complete shock and horror,

"Ok! Firstly: GO! Secondly: I'M NOT GAY!" Jack screamed.

"It's alright, Jack. I'm your dad. I'll accept and love you, whatever life choices you make."

"Did you read that in a Good Parenting Guide?" asked Jack incredulously. "What do you actually think?"

"I think you're gross!" Teague cried. "Repulsive! And I hate you and I disown you and I never want to see you again and-"

"It's a shame I'm not gay then..."

"You're damned! Wait, what?"

"I'm not gay! Diego and I are just friends, whatever else he might want, and if you don't know that I'm the biggest man-slag this side of the equator and the provider for the majority of the whores down at the Rising Sun then you don't know me at all! I have a girlfriend and a couple of weird stalker-whores on the side. I'm as straight as spaghetti!"

"I hope you mean raw."

"You cook spaghetti?"

"Yes..."

"Oh," Jack was puzzled. "Well, straight as straight spaghetti!"

"Thank god!" Teague cried in relief, spontaneously pulling Jack into a bear-hug and scarring them both for the rest of their lives.

"I'm ill," Jack reminded him, trying to wriggle free. Teague leaped back, covering his mouth.

"Get well soon!" Teague said, "Now I have to go and sort out the mess I'm sure you've made of the pirate world in my absence."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me..." Jack wondered how to break the awful news, "Tortuga... is... under attack from... the Navy. And it's on fire."

"Jack, I leave you in charge for ONE WEEK and when I get back Tortuga's on _fire? _That hasn't happened in four hundred and twenty seven years and nine months. How did you manage it?!"

"Well I can't exactly help that they chose now to attack, can I?! Stupid!"

"Well whatever, I need to sort it out. But first, I need a drink..."

"Nope! No no no, no you don't! That would be the absolute _worst _thing for you to do right now. What did the doctor say? Don't drink anything! DON'T YOU GO WALK OUT ON ME!" Jack screeched hoarsely as Teague left the room.

"Get well soon!" Teague said, turning at the door. "Rum cellar, here I come!"

Jack braced himself, savouring his last few minutes of life as Teague tore down the stairs. Then the inevitable happened:  
"JACK!" Teague screamed. "What THE HELL have you done to my rum cellar? You are DEAD!"


End file.
